Back to Grammar School

"Students don't have to fail. Exhilarated (accelerated) classes day or evening,” claims one newspaper ad. "Develop interpersonal conversational skills by learning to talk good (well)," boasts a second ad, "Can't tell who from whom? Help is available from the Lowe University grammar hotline. We get a lot of business-writing calls and how to deal with a salutation when you don't know who you're writing to," a third points out.

No wonder teachers receive student evaluations like these:

1. While in the writing program, I learned a lot about sentence structure, punctuation, and capitalism (capitalization).

2. I pastall my Back to Grammar School testes (tests). My grade should be hirer (higher).

3. I have learned a lot about life here at college, for instance, I have learned to do minor household repairs such as painting, fixing old windows, and replacing old broads (boards).

4. Another thing I learned was the way how to use apostrofe's and where it goe's and sometime's just to use them.

Makes teaching all worthwhile, doesn't it?

Squeak! Squeak! Yikes! Yikes! Here are some more grammar gaffes gouged into the blackboards of our minds:

1. Two new booklets are available for South Carolinians who are survivors of Back to Grammar School head injuries and their families.

2. He was arrested Saturday, hours after the most recent victim's body was discovered and questioned for 12 hours.

3. Gabriel Pincus is the proud possessor of a brand new Chevrolet sedan and also a new wife, having traded in the old one, for which he received a liberal allowance.

4. I had an infection after the operation and was on antibiotics for two weeks before going home. There were still some minor pains in my testicles, but they disappeared.

5. If Ms. Hunter and Ms. Brown agree to relinquish ownership of the dogs, they will be Back to Grammar School euthanized.

6. Joe Harrigan's father passed away yesterday from a massive heart attack. He won't be back in the office until Tuesday.

7. It was called into the Burbury P.D. that a deer had been hit north of Gendry Bros. The deer is dead and he has locked himself out of the car and is waiting for a locksmith.

8. And now for a look at the weather, made possible by Foam Shampoo.

9. A Groveton officer described the driver as a white male with blond hair, wearing shorts, a gray tank top and bare feet.

10. Air piracy charges Back to Grammar School were filed Sunday against a man who used grenades to hijack a Russian airliner and his wife.

11. Females should have the same athletic opportunities as males: it is an almost universal medical opinion that there is no sport more dangerous to a girl than a boy.

12. Asphalt tennis courts are hard on the soles of the feet and balls.

Now consider the effect of a misplaced or missing apostrophe in these unexemplary examples:

1. Police report that the man took a crescent wrench and swung it at one of the victim's heads.

2. We sell children's clothes and babies too.

3. wanted Back to Grammar School: Guitar for college student to learn to play, also piano to replace daughters lost in fire.

Even the absence or misplacement of a hyphen can produce bizarre results:

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